As I write this, I'm staring out over a field of lush grass and snow at my monitor and a TV tuned to CNN, a common sight for me all year long. Believe me, I've tried to find courage to change my behaviors, but I haven't. I really feel as-if I have little-to-no control over my thoughts, sometimes. I've fought depression, despair, and hopelessness for most of my life, and those thoughts have only gotten worse since COVID hit and derailed normalcy back in 2020.
From a young age, I've always felt depressed, I've always moved too quickly, and I've never been truly "in the moment." I've always vied for a sense of freedom and independence I simply won't have-- not in this high-cost-of-living, politically-polarized life I have now. Maybe in the future, but not in the short term. I've come to acknowledge, though, that I can better myself by escaping my personal hell: Colorado, more on that later.
Do you ever look back on the past and wish you'd spent more time actually enjoying it or "savoring" it? I do now. Maybe it's the fact I largely spent my youth 'rushing' towards adulthood, or the trauma, but I've never before wanted to stop the world, or even 'rewind' to a different time now more than ever. As I'm faced with working 40+ hours a week for the next ~40-50 years at minimum, struggling to pay for housing, food, and utilities, and the inability to get reliable help, a sense of despair washes over me. Unfortunately, time, and progress are ever-happening, and there's no way to stop it, or slow it down-- all you can do is attempt to enjoy it as it passes, as hard as that may be.
I look back on the past, and even 2022 seems distant in retrospect now, let alone 2019, 2015, 2010... it all feels farther away, and evading my grasp at every moment. I'm not afraid of any sort of 'end,' but I don't entirely welcome death either... I'd rather attempt to derive some enjoyment from my time, as hard as that may be. Unfortunately, through the veil of depression, that is exceedingly hard to do, as much as I can drown my sorrows in food and cigarettes, neither of which are healthy coping mechanisms... costly ones, too. I realize that what I really need to do is just vent, be it to a therapist or someone else... but I don't trust therapists, most of the people I know call me "weak" for showing any sort of emotion, and the people I do know that actually care, I wouldn't want to ruin them with what I need to say.
The main burden in my life seems to actually be where I live-- a major city in Colorado. I can't go a day without someone trying to sell me Christianity (a few weeks ago in a restaurant, some old lady tried to preach to me, so I moved tables [across the restaurant], and she followed, still talking about Christ; when she wouldn't leave me be, she laid her hand on my wrist, which made me pull back and aggressively shout "fuck off." She subsequently attempted to lecture me on how to "treat your elders"), I can't go in public without being aggressively panhandled by homeless people (both on the street, in businesses, and on public transit), and the cost-of-living is out of control, with no benefit. The infrastructure here can't support 500,000+ plus people, the people refuse to pay tax rates that allow for adequate infrastructure maintenance and buildout, and it costs around $1,500/month minimum for a decent apartment. All I really want in terms of living is a relatively walkable/busable, affordable, and quiet place to live ("quiet" meaning I won't be harassed by people trying to compel me to convert to their religion and be aggressively panhandled on a daily basis)... unfortunately, nowhere in Colorado can offer that.
I think leaving Colorado is a genuinely viable option, as it relieves me of contact with people who won't listen to me here, relieves me of the cost-of-living problems, as well as the safety concerns. Unfortunately, the places I can afford are ever-dwindling... I was priced out of Dallas, most of Oklahoma City, Cheyenne, Chicago... many of the places I was initially was interested in... but, a beacon of hope appeared before me, a place I never thought I'd move back to-- New Jersey... a place of little change, but of cheaper living and hope. The last time I was in New Jersey, I felt an unwavering sense of comfort, something I've never felt outside of the Northeast. Nobody tried to sell me their religion, nobody asked me for money (in an aggressive manner). It felt like paradise in comparison to Colorado... or Texas, for that matter (Dallas had really gone downhill in appearances and safety over the course of the last year, somehow). It also costs nominally less to live in some parts of New Jersey (compared to Colorado)... a house can be bought where I'm planning to move for under $200,000 easily.
I feel it doesn't get better, simply because in spite of medication, therapy, and attempting to tune the world out, I've come out of all of this worse. I regularly break down, unable to cope with the reality I live in. I stopped taking my medication, seeing that all it really did was make my main coping methods seem undesirable, inhibit my creativity, and further cloud my thoughts. I didn't trust my therapist, so I stopped going to therapy; and people around me (meaning those in Colorado) were of no help tuning the world out, even when I turned off the phone, disconnected my cable box, and turned off the internet... they all shoved news articles, social media posts, and job listings down my throat via whatever channel they could.
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